Living Compassion

I've been meditating daily for 30-45 minutes each morning. It's an amazing process. Where you think you know yourself---and I did, after many years of therapy---you find you have all kinds of fixed ideas about yourself that really aren't it.

I suppose that's been the gift of this past year from hell. My kids' illnesses, my surgery, my post-operative complications, all of that, and more I don't wish to share here....well, it's boxed me in so that I have no choice but to sit. Sit and breathe and observe.

I have plans to go and sit with Shambhala next week, starting Monday. I have little experience with group sitting, prefering, thus far, to sit alone at home.

The image I picked for today's entry is part of an art project I have building my mind: a Tibetan mandala. Tomorrow, i need to go the Ravena flea market to buy armfuls of old National Geographic magazines for the images I need to construct my mandala.

The Tibetan monks spend days constructing a detailed, minutely perfect mandala out of colored sand. Then they scatter the sand and reflect on the impermanence of all things.

Things come, things go.

Susie

Seeking Balance

I'm juggling.

Both my kids are needful of my best attention and wisdom right now; both are facing crises. We are heading into tax season, that time of year my husband needs to marshall his energy and concentration for the intensity of his work.

You can spend a lot of energy maintaining your balance on a high-wire, or you can relax into your body wisdom and let your body dance with the inexorable pull of gravity. You may look still, but the balance is dynamic.

Seeking balance.

I am remembering the summer of my junior year in college. I stayed at Boston University and took two demanding courses: Microbiology and Pathophysiology. I lived in a small single dorm room. I ate the same breakfast every day: 2 hot hardboiled eggs and a piece of toast. I went to class Monday through Friday for a few hours, and studied, hard, a few more. I went for a long walk every evening. It was the most peaceful summer of my life, in stark contrast to the self-imposed drama the rest of my college years were.

I am finding a longing for such a time. I need more silence, more stillness to maintian my balance.

Susie

(Un)Certainties

I don't know much these days. My world has been rocked by the major changes in my physical abilities, and thus, in my routines, my body, and my way of knowing who I am.

I know only a few things:

That high-intensity activities I once loved and thrived from, I cannot do. My body screams, "No violence!" at me when I try, and I have tried! It just feels like violence.

That dancing brings me joy. I can dance.

That long walks, once again possible, are necessary for my well-being.

That I must sit in meditation with the same dedication as I did to my athletic training in the past.

That I long for a simple, health-promoting routine on a daily basis.

That I need silence.

Susie

Sarena and Susie

Rebirth

Oh, thank you, God.

This past week, it is abundantly clear that finally, after seven long months of pain and struggle, I am restored to a semblance of my pre-surgical self.

I really owe a debt of gratitude to my friend, Jay Cohen, for helping me find my optimism, my motivation, and my sense of possibility. Thank you, my friend. I don't think I could have gotten started without the boost you gave me.

I've been tracking on fitday again, and once again, eating whole real foods with an emphasis on vegetables, good proteins and fats. It's coming in good, approximately 1400-1600 cal/day, roughly 50% fat, 20% carb, and 30% protein.

I think this change of diet has a LOT to do with a distinct uplift in my mood. I'm about 30% as fit as I was as a Crossfit beast, but I'm feeling about 75% as good.

I am looking forward to getting stronger and fitter now that I can move without pain!

Susie

Helping Hands

Thank you, my friend.

I've asked a friend of mine, Jay, to help coach me back into shape. I've kind of gotten off track, and I know from experience how well I work with a coach, so I've reached out and asked for help from someone whose knowledge in exercise and nutrition I know and trust. Thank you, Mr. Cohen.

Now, Jay lives in Pittsburgh, while I live in Delmar, near Albany, NY. But thanks to the wonders of computers, we can be in touch with nutrition and exercise logs as often as needed.

Let me put it right out there: my "big" jeans don't fit. Yuck. I've gained about 16 pounds of scale weight, but lost a whole lot of muscle and gained a whole lot of soft, fat flesh. It's not so much a vanity thing, though. I still think I look nice...:))) It's that I don't feel tireless and strong and lean that bothers me. I'm not fit. And it's fit that I want to feel.

I'm hopefully going to be chatting with Jay in the next few days and getting started on a good program. I'll let you know how it goes!

Susie

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.

Rumi